lifeline residency: Iyanla Vanzant and Evelyn Lozada: Fix My Life

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Iyanla Vanzant and Evelyn Lozada: Fix My Life

Iyanla Vanzant and Evelyn Lozada We would like to comment on Chad Johnson, formerly Ochocinco, and Evelyn Lozada?s recent bout with domestic violence following their recent brief marriage that has been widely publicized in the press.

Let us start off by saying that there is never an excuse for violence, no matter what the provocation is.

As a person who has watched the Basketball Wives series, I, Melva, saw glimpses of predictable problems in the courting stage of this couple that were red flags that their marriage was could be in serious trouble?probably in the short term.

Unless it was edited out of the show, there was no discussion between them about the commitment that each needed to make for a long term mutually satisfying union as well as what both would bring to the relationship to make that happen. They, like most couples, spent more time planning for the one day wedding instead of a lifelong marriage.

Evelyn did raise her concerns about Chad?s additional relationships with other women. He referred to them as ?friendships? and did not consider them a threat to their relationship. She was frustrated and angry because it didn?t appear that she could change his mind. His response was defensive as he rationalized his choices. If I heard him correctly, I think I heard him say that he needed her to trust him.

Chad and Evelyn did not really arrive at a solution to this sensitive issue. They just playfully ended the discussion?at least on camera. Not discussing and resolving the issue and leaving it dangling was absolutely the wrong thing to do. Is it any wonder, then, that it would come up again? Clearly, the most recent upset ended in a physical confrontation with Chad acting out in an abusive manner to being confronted by Evelyn. If you have ever seen Basketball Wives you can imagine that Evelyn was not passive in her presentation. Again, we say that there is no excuse for his reaction.

Unfortunately, there are too many instances where people ignore all the red flags that should be clear indications that their relationship is headed for a train wreck. So, they go ahead ignoring the signs only to discover at some future time they are in the middle of their worst nightmare. If, in the beginning stages of the relationship, you see that the person you are dating has anger problem or a problem with monogamy, end the relationship and urge them to get into an anger management program and/or personal counseling. We agree with Dr. Maya Angelou who has said, ?When a person shows you who they are, believe them.?

Again, we want to reiterate, there is never an excuse, reason or rationalization for violence in any form.

If Evelyn (or anyone in that situation) had reached out to us, we would have advised her to remove herself from a toxic and potentially dangerous situation, which she did. Then, we?d advise her to move forward with her life to get the support she deserves for repair, healing, and growth. This includes reviewing and overcoming the unfinished business she brings to all of her love relationships as described in the series.

If Chad, or anyone in that situation who reacted the way he did had reached out to us, we would have encouraged him to join a men?s group that specializes in providing information and tools for being in a committed love relationship. He could begin to understand that the same kind of commitment to his team on the football field for success is the same kind of commitment required to his wife and kids for a successful marriage and family. It is our belief that being a champion at home is at least as important, if not a lot more important, than being a champion on the field.

As a couple who works with couples, individually and together, we could see that if the two of them did not find a way to develop and solidify trust, and consistently bring the best of who they are to the relationship, there would no way that they would be able to build a strong foundation for a satisfying relationship. Research has shown the tremendous benefits of pre-marriage education and/or pre-marriage counseling to enable couples to have long term mutually satisfying relationships. If they had had this, both would have been better prepared for their marriage.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline @ www.thehotline.org or by phone at 1-800-799-SAFE.